Questions

From the day I announced I was pregnant, it felt like everyone had questions: 

How are you feeling?
Is this your first?
Do you know what you’re having? 

All of which usually resulted in an “aw”, a smile, and/or some sort of unsolicited advice.

However when we found out about Charlotte’s diagnosis, my whole world flipped upside down and I was no longer sure what our future held so I chose to keep everything fairly private.  Besides close friends & family, most of the people I met/saw on a daily basis probably thought my pregnancy was pretty normal and uneventful, while inside our minds raced because we didn't even know what the days after Charlotte's birth would look like, if we got any at all...  

After Charlotte passed, accepting what had happened was still really hard.  I avoided unwanted conversations where questions could arise by either hidding out at home or ignoring my phone, but the more time that passed, the more I knew that I'd have to face the outside world again, but how? 

How would their questions make me feel?
How would I answer their questions?
How would they feel after I answered their questions? 

The more I thought about it (and sometimes I thought about it enough that I’d made myself sick with worry), the more I realized I had two options: 1. I could either be brief with a one-word answer & hope that that was enough for them or 2. I could be vulnerable & open myself up for the world to see.

And to be honest, neither option is very comfortable.

While I have spent time working on my answers (both for me and the unsuspecting person asking the question), I continue to come away without the right words to say.

Yet regardless of what I say, I am slowly realizing the importance of sharing our past with others.  It isn’t always pretty, but in the end all of those events have led me to where I am today.  My childhood. My parent’s divorce.  My college experiences.  My marriage.  And now my daughter’s short life.

As for the future, we’re taking it one day at a time.  We both long to be parents more than we ever thought we would and hope to grow our family sometime soon.  It’s hard not to live in the past or the future all the time, so I keep trying to remind myself to live in the moment as much as I can. 

Thank you to those who have followed this little three-part series this month.  Not only has it been therapeutic for me to share my thoughts, but I pray for those who find this blog after eexperiencing a loss might find comfort or understanding through my sharing.