Happy Birthday Charlotte!

In another lifetime, today would be full of balloons, cake, and presents for our first born, but instead we are remembering our first moments with the sweetest, most content baby I've ever met. I remember the nerves, tears, smiles, and all of the decisions we had ahead of ourselves, but at 2:35pm on December 12, 2012, we all said thanks that we were all together, at least for a short time.

Happy 3rd Birthday Charlotte!

love,

daddy, mama, & Calvin

Farewell 2014

2014 was a quiet year for Grable Tales.  I could blame it on having a baby, but shouldn't that have given me more content?  I have a feeling that Instagram has something to do with the lack of posts --- honestly, it's a lot easier to post a photo with a small comment then think of an entire post.  Regardless, this year still deserves some recognition:

January - *crickets*

February - my first post of the year was a Stitch Fix review: pregnant edition; I also shared how I was spending my time lately (hint: Sam Grable Photo, The Influence Network, and being pregnant for the second time); I announced my hopes of attending my second Influence Conference; and blogged about my love for 4moms.

March - I started the month off by writing out my monthly goals (and linking up with The Tiny Twig's Goals with Grace); I updated my about me page & began leading an Influence Network community group; and I talked about being a month out from meeting our baby boy (& shared his name)

April - I revisited my March goals + shared my April goals; and blogged about my thoughts of Brené Brown’s book - Daring Greatly

May - I looked back on my April goals + made a few May goals; introduced our baby boy, Calvin!; shared how different Mother's Day felt this year; started writing monthly letters to Calvin; and shared my first postpartum Stitch Fix review.

June - continued with goals for June; after flying across the country with a six week old, I blogged about some of the 'flying with a baby' tips/advice that worked for us; Calvin turned two months old; and Sam & I celebrated our sixth wedding anniversary.

July - this month, I really started to give myself grace when it came to my goals for July; parenting definitely isn't easy, but on occasion it does make you feel like you have some super powers; another Stitch Fix review (I love this service!); my baby turned three months old; and I blogged about the community I found online.

August - still going strong + trying to be transparent with my monthly goals; I reviewed my birthday Stitch Fix; and Calvin kept getting bigger (four months old).

September - I finally realized that some goals will be repeats each month and that's ok; I (re)introduced myself in preparation of the Influence Conference; Calvin turned five months old; thanks to credits, I received a Stitch Fix before attending the Influence Conference; and then I recapped the conference for the second year in a row.

October - two posts remain consistent each month: goals + Calvin's letter (six months old this month!)

November - goals, goals, goals (sorry for the repeating); a photo recap of October; I shared my experience with essential oils; I turned to social media for help with this month's Stitch Fix review; Calvin turned seven months old; and I took some time to be thankful.

December - after nine months of goals, I shared my last goals (with grace) for 2014; blogged about Christmas traditions; honored Charlotte's second birthday and shared the way we chose to celebrate her; reflected on our second year without our baby girl; Calvin celebrated his eighth month of being on the outside; I blogged about the significance of a little giraffe; and reviewed my final Stitch Fix for the year.

This year brought a lot of joy + hope, as well as sleepless nights + tears. And while this space has been primarily used to review Stitch Fixes, write out my goals, and share my monthly letter to Calvin, but I appreciate the comments & community I've found through this space + social media outlets.  Maybe next year things will be different...

Until then... Happy New Year!

Our Charlotte Giraffe

When I first found out I was pregnant with Charlotte, I immediately started planning the nursery.  Because I didn't know whether I was having a boy or a girl yet, I went neutral and based the colors on a bedding set I found with giraffes, elephants, monkeys.  Then we found out we were having a girl and giraffes quickly became her "animal" and her nursery was filled with outfits with giraffes on them, stuffed animals, art work, etc.

Fast forward to the day Charlotte was born: her nana (Sam's mom) brought her a gift which contained a little giraffe plush (above) and for her nine days of life, that giraffe hardly left her side --- if she was in her isolette, her giraffe wasn't far away; if she was being held, her giraffe was right there with her.  And when we went home without our baby girl, this giraffe was close to us & brought us a little comfort during the harder times.

Today, this same giraffe sits on a hutch in our living/dining room. When people ask about it's significance, we tell them it's "our Charlotte giraffe" and are able to share our story. It's not a big gesture or memorial, but it's something that makes us think of our baby girl whenever it catches our eye. And for me, that's enough.

We wanted to include Charlotte in our family photos this fall by incorporating her giraffe.

Two Years #babycharlotterene

Just as Charlotte's birthday holds a special place in my heart, so does the day she went to Heaven.

While we were in her room saying our goodbyes, our family was in the Randall Children's Hospital NICU waiting room praying for her to meet Jesus.  The image above is one I look back on with a grateful heart because these same people (+ more) have continued to love on us, cry with us, and lift us up in prayer over the last two years. I pray that everyone has this kind of support system when they need it most.

Hands down, December 21, 2012 was the hardest day of my life, but knowing our baby girl is now healthy & perfect with our Savior makes things a littler easier.

In Memory Of

The first year after Charlotte's death was all about survival. We were navigating unknown situations & questions that made some days more difficult than others. Honestly, simply learning to share a part of our story that either pushed people away or brought them closer was really hard at times.

The second year, the last twelve months, have felt different. We still receive questions that are difficult to answer without making someone feel bad, but more times than not, I've found myself thanking God for His little gifts to us: Charlotte's big brown eyes, the nine days we had to spend with her, a beautiful community that has continued to surround us with love + prayer, the opportunities to talk about her, and a healthy baby boy. And because of these gifts & more, I felt called to find something we could do as a family in memory of our baby girl's birthday this year.

Enter: A Giving Tree

Under normal circumstances, we would have been (birthday AND Christmas) shopping for our two year old little girl. Instead of passing it by all together, I thought it'd be nice to find a child in need who was around the same age as Charlotte would be and shop for them.

This year we chose a name off the local Salvation Army 'Tree of Giving', but my hope is that in the years to come, we can continue to find a child in need to help in Charlotte's name.  Calvin is still too young to understand what was going on, but in the future, his participation will help teach him about giving + his sister. 

While it's not nearly enough in my opinion, this small act has helped me to know Charlotte's (small) legacy is not forgotten. And there is a lot of comfort in that.

Happy Birthday Charlotte!

As cliché as it sounds, December 12, 2012 feels like yesterday and forever ago all at the same time. Two years ago: we were sitting in the hospital room full of family + friends, waiting to meet our brown-eyed beauty, full of butterflies & nerves, and completely unaware of what the future would hold.  It probably doesn't have to be said, but this day --- the day we met our Charlotte Rene´ --- will always hold a very special & present spot in my heart.

Happy 2nd birthday, baby girl!

love,
daddy, mama, + your new baby brother, Calvin

Thankful

It would be easy to find reasons not to be thankful, especially after losing our baby girl, but today I'm choosing to be thankful for the time he has given Sam, Charlotte, Calvin, & I, with each other and our family & friends.

Life isn't always simple, but thanking God for the little things is. 

 

Happy Thanksgiving from our family to yours!

A Different Mother's Day

Photo by Megan Love Photography

This Mother's Day already feels different than my first two...

Two years ago, we had just found out we were pregnant with Charlotte and actually shared the news with Sam's extended family on Mother's Day that year.

And last year, five months after we said good-bye to our Charlotte, I struggled with letting anyone recognize me as a mother since we were childless and was so very sad & angry that I didn't have my baby girl to hold in my arms.

This year, I find myself both happy & sad when I think about the two lives who have made me a mom... obviously so thankful to have Calvin here in our arms, but still missing Charlotte every single day!

So today, as you spend this holiday celebrating the mothers in your lives, I ask that you remember those who may not look like a mother because they don't have a child physically in their arms.

Celebrate them.
Love on them.
It's okay that you don't have to have the "right things" to say, just honor them too!


Happy Mother's Day!

Farewell 2013

When 2013 began, I wasn't sure what the year would hold. We had just suffered a major loss and living day to day (sometimes hour to hour) was all I could handle. And my blogging certainly reflected what I was feeling and how little words I had to share:

January - I started the year writing down a few of my 2013 goals {that I actually accomplished}; I shared the gift we were given through Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep; began posting Friday bullets; and talked about Charlotte - one month after meeting her, never forgetting her, and the reminders of her all around me.

February - I continued posting Friday bullets {an easy way to get my thoughts out}; I shared a story my husband posted on Facebook about Charlotte & having hope; on what would have been C's two month birthday, I talked about anniversaries have helped me heel & meeting with the genetic counselor; and posted the video we shared at Charlotte's memorial.

March - I received {& blogged about} my first Stitch Fix and fell in love the company's concept; the month was filled Friday bullets/thoughts; I joined the Influence Network & attended my first classes; and I shared about a series about life after Charlotte.

April - after sharing about the desire to talk about life after Charlotte in March, I posted about the holidays, being a mother without a child, and questions I've received; I updated my blog with a new design & address; and I ran walked a 5k with my sister-in-law.

May - 2012 was the year of the photo-a-day and in May I shared the book that I made to compile all of my photos in one place; I saw Sara Bareillis again, up close & personal; I celebrated my first Mother's Day without Charlotte, which was bittersweet; and I ended the month visiting Austin & the Heater family.

June - another Stitch Fix box arrived and yet again I was exctied to see what my stylist picked out for me; due to an Influence Network prompt, I shared what home means to me; I couldn't believe six months had already passed since meeting & saying goodbye to Charlotte; and we celebrated our fifth wedding anniversary.

July - my Friday bullets transformed into '5 on Friday', where I shared five of my favorites from the week; I was offered a chance to review a Float Wrap from Printography; I featured five blogs that have helped me through the grieving process; and Sam & I got away for a peaceful weekend.

August - more & more 5 on Fridays {apparently that's the way I got myself to post throughout most of the year}; and Sam built me a headboard.

September - this is the month where my posting drastically slowed down... but not before I posted about my excitement about the Influence Conference & my 2013 scarfs swap.

October - I could barely find the words to describe my time at the Influence Conference {because it was amazing!}; and we finally announced our new addition coming in April.

November - after announcing my pregnancy, I reflected on how different this one feels in comparison to the one with Charlotte; and we found out we would be welcoming a baby boy {and announced it on Instagram}!

December - we honored Charlotte's first birthday; I reviewed Stitch Fix while being pregnant; and rounded out the year reflecting on one year after Charlotte.


As I reflect on the year behind us, I'm grateful God gave me hope, especially in the darker times.  And next year already holds a lot of hope, which I'm also thankful for, but what I am really hoping for in 2014 is that I find my online voice again. Between remembering our baby girl, preparing for our new little guy and continuing to be involved with the Influence Network, my mind is swirling with inspiration & posts; I just need to to take the time to write about it all, for you, my readers, and myself.

So until then... Happy New Year!

One Year #babycharlotterene

365 days...
12 months...
One year...

No matter how you say, it's all the same --- one year ago today, we said goodbye to our precious baby girl after nine days of life.

It's still hard to believe this actually happened to us. I've spent the last year trying to understand why and yet I still have no idea. It's not fair, but then again life isn't fair, right?

To all who have prayed for us, sent us messages, or simply sat & let us cry on your shoulder - thank you! This year hasn't been easy, but we couldn't have gotten through the last year without all the love & support.

We love you Charlotte René! We miss you with every fiber of our being and I hope you never forget that!

Happy Birthday Charlotte!

Everything I wrote in this post {eleven months ago} still rings true today.

Happy birthday baby girl!  

We love & miss you more than words can ever say!

5 on Friday

Honestly... this week has been kind of tough as I think about where we were last year at this time...

The two words that keep coming to mind are "life changing" because at the split of second, our lives went from happy & excited to devastated & confused with very little warning. 

For those who are new to this space, our baby girl was diagnosed with a fatal form of skeletal dysplasia last July and while I carried her until 39 weeks, she is sadly no longer with us.

So I decided that instead of writing about 5 random things from my week, I would share 5 blogs* that have helped me immensely after losing Charlotte:

[one]
Megan from In This Wonderful Life

[two]
Casey from The Wiegands

[three]
Raechel from Finding My Feet

[four]
Diana from Hormonal Imbalances

[five]
Heather from The Spohrs are Multiplying

While none of their situations are exactly the same as mine, the comfort that each of their blogs has given me leaves me speechless.  I really wish I could find the words to share how they have helped (and thank each & every one of them in person!), but all I can say it THANK YOU God that I found these women and have felt an reassurance that I'm not alone in this and while this is something you'd never wish on anyone, it's really nice to know that someone understands, even a little.


*None of these bloggers probably know who I am or have asked me to share about them, but all of their stories have touched my heart and comforted me & given me hope as I walk this new path ahead of me.

Six Months

Back in December, I remember meeting with a doctor at my follow up appointment after my c-section and she was talking about what the future might look like after what we’ve been through.  She shared her thoughts on what six months, nine months, and even twelve-eighteen months from then might looks like for us.  And to have actually reached one of those “months” after saying goodbye to Charlotte feels like an incredible accomplishment in my book.  In fact, I distinctly recall leaving the exam room and saying, “we are never going to make it to six months!” because at the time, I wasn’t sure if we would…

Has it been easy? No way!  Some days are harder than others --- it will probably always catch me off guard when people who don't know about Charlotte's story ask how she is going, or someone new asks how many kids we have, and when I see a little girl who is around the same age Charlotte would be my heart will always skip a little beat.  But knowing that we have the love, grace, and understanding from our family & friends has really made a huge difference in my opinion.

Many people still ask me how I'm doing and although I don’t really know any differently, I would say I’m doing alright.  There are still tears and a bit of anger, but after all is said and done, works can't describe how thankful I am that we got to meet and hold our bright-eyed baby girl six months ago, even for a short amount of time.

December 21, 2012 feels like a lifetime ago and yet, it feels like just yesterday in a lot of ways too. And regardless of how much of a blessing and curse these memories can be, I pray we can continue to remember our sweet baby Charlotte as often & much as possible!

{one, two, three months}

Memories

As I mentioned last week, Mother's Day was hard this year. 

Before getting pregnant, Mother's Day was just a Hallmark holiday that let me celebrate my mom once a year (even though she deserved to be celebrated every day of the year...) and really didn't hold a lot of significance, to be honest. 

But a year ago, newly pregnant & on top of the world, this holiday took on a whole new meaning.  Suddenly, I couldn't wait to honor the women in our lives who have loved/raised/supported Sam & I and celebrate their new title as "Charlotte's grandma/nona/nana".  And honestly, the gift-giver in me couldn't stop thinking of memorable, sentimental gifts to give for the years to come...

But then life took a different path and even though it wasn't what we had pictured last Mother's Day, I couldn't think of a reason not to still show my gratitude towards these women in my life.  So this year, I decided to gift a daily reminder of the little girl who stole all of our hearts.

It wasn't a unique or complex gift, but very sentimental.  For the women who received this notepad, I believe it brought back a lot of memories for each of them.  The feeling they felt when they first met her, held her, looked into her big brown eyes probably came rushing back in an instant.  And while that can be very difficult because we all miss her, I have also found it to be a blessing because it helps us remember all of the good times we had with her.

See, I've worried since day 1 about what it will feel like if I stop remembering all the little details about our little angel.  I never want to forget one second of the nine days we had with her and I don't believe any of our family does either, but the truth of it is, life has moved on and the memories aren't as fresh as they once were.  Even today, five months since we've last saw her, I sit here in tears because it's so difficult to see life go on around us, without Charlotte. 

And sadly, I don't think that feeling is going to ever go away, but her memory lives on...

A shadow box full of Charlotte memories.

Friday Thoughts

This week was a relatively quiet one for me.

Maybe it was due to the high emotions that I felt on my first Mother's Day. 
Or maybe it was the rainy weather & my cozy home.
Or maybe it was something else entirely.

Nonetheless, it's Friday and I'm looking forward to a few more quiet days ahead with an event-less weekend at home.  I think I hear our AppleTV calling our names...

Going along with this week's unintentional theme (quiet), even the following links lead me to a time of reflection this week (mainly about our little Charlotte):

• Aspiring Kennedy is a new-to-me blog. Actually, I first discovered Lauren's Instagram photos of her life over seas with her husband & new baby girl and when I found out she had a blog too, I couldn't stop reading into her archives, especially when I got to the part about how she went to the hospital expecting to come home with two babies, but only returned with one. Recently, she shared some tips on what you can do for your grieving friends, all of which I could really resonate with after our loss.
• I have linked to Lindsay's blog before, but lately she's been a little quiet herself due to finishing school & relocating to Florida, but just this week she returned with a series called "waves of wisdom - lessons from the beach" which was just what I needed to hear this week.  I really think everyone could relate to the picture she described.
• Truth: I Love You More Than Carrots is one of my favorite blogs lately. I've shared it before, but not only is she funny, she's honest too, which is really what keeps me coming back for more.  This week, she shared about how her husband is okay "coming in third" behind their two sons, which made me think about the short time we had with Charlotte and how both Sam & I were perfectly fine coming in second to our sweet baby girl.

 So that’s what I’m thinking about this week.  What's grabbed your attention this week.

Friday Thoughts

What's better than the last day of the week? 

A beautiful forecast for the weekend ahead!

The weather app on my phone says it's going to be in the 80's for the next few days and that warms my soul! (pun intended :))

I'm also looking forward to a couple relaxing days as the last few have been packed with meetings, meetings, and more meetings at work.

My little space here has obviously reflected my busy week (sorry for the silence!), but between meetings, I've read some great posts that I couldn't wait to share this week:

• Last month, I shared a little about life without Charlotte & more specifically my milk supply.  This week, my friend Rachel shared about an organization called Eats on Feet that connects women who have "extra" breast milk with women who are in need of the nourishment for their child.  Even though I didn't use this organization myself, it's exactly what I would have wanted instead of throwing it away.
• Our hope is to expand our family sometime in the next year and while excited & looking forward to that time, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't terrified too.  Thankfully, my friend Lindsey wrote a beautiful post about being silent after she found out she was pregnant with her second child & I really resonated with what she had to say.  Our first pregnancy wasn't an easy one and with that comes a lot of unknowns for the pregnancies to come.  I think we'll probably keep our next pregnancy a little closer to ourselves for as long as we can before sharing it with the world.
• And speaking of future pregnancies --- Pamela from Our Love Nest posted a list of things she wanted to remember for the "second time around" on this crazy pregnancy train.  As I mentioned, I am excited to be pregnant again and look forward to referring to this list when the time comes around.

So that’s what I’m thinking about this week.  What's grabbed your attention this week.

Questions

From the day I announced I was pregnant, it felt like everyone had questions: 

How are you feeling?
Is this your first?
Do you know what you’re having? 

All of which usually resulted in an “aw”, a smile, and/or some sort of unsolicited advice.

However when we found out about Charlotte’s diagnosis, my whole world flipped upside down and I was no longer sure what our future held so I chose to keep everything fairly private.  Besides close friends & family, most of the people I met/saw on a daily basis probably thought my pregnancy was pretty normal and uneventful, while inside our minds raced because we didn't even know what the days after Charlotte's birth would look like, if we got any at all...  

After Charlotte passed, accepting what had happened was still really hard.  I avoided unwanted conversations where questions could arise by either hidding out at home or ignoring my phone, but the more time that passed, the more I knew that I'd have to face the outside world again, but how? 

How would their questions make me feel?
How would I answer their questions?
How would they feel after I answered their questions? 

The more I thought about it (and sometimes I thought about it enough that I’d made myself sick with worry), the more I realized I had two options: 1. I could either be brief with a one-word answer & hope that that was enough for them or 2. I could be vulnerable & open myself up for the world to see.

And to be honest, neither option is very comfortable.

While I have spent time working on my answers (both for me and the unsuspecting person asking the question), I continue to come away without the right words to say.

Yet regardless of what I say, I am slowly realizing the importance of sharing our past with others.  It isn’t always pretty, but in the end all of those events have led me to where I am today.  My childhood. My parent’s divorce.  My college experiences.  My marriage.  And now my daughter’s short life.

As for the future, we’re taking it one day at a time.  We both long to be parents more than we ever thought we would and hope to grow our family sometime soon.  It’s hard not to live in the past or the future all the time, so I keep trying to remind myself to live in the moment as much as I can. 

Thank you to those who have followed this little three-part series this month.  Not only has it been therapeutic for me to share my thoughts, but I pray for those who find this blog after eexperiencing a loss might find comfort or understanding through my sharing.

Friday Thoughts

Hello Friday.

Between the wedding we shot last weekend and a head cold that has taken over the last couple days, I'm just happy I made it to the end of the week.

However, today marks four months since Charlotte's birth - let's hope the day goes easy on me...

But regardless how I'm feeling physically & emotionally, I'm really trying to look forward to the weekend because my SIL & I are running (and/or walking) the Color Me Rad race in Eugene on Saturday.

We even made matching shirts!

Stay tuned for an update next week...

Week after week, I'm continuously encouraged by the posts in my reader.  Not only do they make me think about things from a different point of view, but they make me want to be a better writer too.

• First, I have loved the refresh series put together by Naptime Diaries, The Tiny Twig, and The Kubly Girl.  From outer beauty to inner, these three have spent the week sharing their hearts & tips that everyone can relate to.  If you're in need of any sort of refresh, I'd suggest checking out each of their posts from this week.
• Another post that really resonated with me this week was one on being intentional (written by my Influence Conference roomie, Ashton!) and the need for seeking out God instead of waiting for life to just be handed to you.
• This last post felt like every word was taken from my own heart, which isn't uncommon with Diana from Hormonal Imbalances' posts.  This week, Diana shared about her internal struggle between faith & trust and her thoughts around why God would intervene on some occasions and not others, which is something I think about almost daily.  Her strength in life & faith is amazing and I appreciate her honesty after all she's been through!

So that’s what I’m thinking about this week.  What's grabbed your attention this week?

A Mother without a Child

A few months back, I wrote about some of the good reminders that I had noticed while coping with the loss of Charlotte, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that recording the not-so-good ones were important too.   


Before we left for the hospital, our home was ready with everything we might need in the case that Charlotte would be miraculously heeled and come home with us.  We left hoping for the best, but we’re still trying to prepare ourselves for the worst just in case.  And as you know, the worst happened.

If you've spent anytime talking to me over the last several months, you might notice that I don't refer to myself as a mother mainly because I don't have anything to show that I am one.  Some of these reminders below are the reason I don't feel like a mother and while it feels pretty difficult to convince me otherwise, I'm slowly understanding that that's not necessarily true.
 

1. The nursery. 

Despite Charlotte’s diagnosis, Sam & I decided to try to stay positive and hope for the best through the rest of the pregnancy.  As the months passed, our house began to fill up with all the necessities one might need/want to take care of a baby, so when we returned from the hospital empty handed, reminders of what our new lives should have looked like where everywhere we looked.

Within the first week or so, Sam and I began to pack up everything that we had received for Charlotte. Many people offered to help take care of this for us, but the desire to be in the room we prepared for our daughter was so strong that I knew I had to do it myself or it might be harder on us (me, especially) later on.

Since then, I've actually surprised myself by wandering into the room and just thinking & praying by myself. 

2. Milk supply.

One of the hardest reminders of Charlotte was my milk supply.  While still in the hospital, I began pumping and finally understanding what all the hype was about after actually supplying milk to my child in the NICU.  But the empty feeling I felt inside after losing Charlotte was even more difficult due to my milk supply continuing to come in as if I had a week old baby to care for.

Because I didn't get a lot of guidance from the hospital in regards to weaning off of pumping, I continued to, tearfully, fill up my freezer and pray that my supply would just dry up.  Thankfully, I had family & friends who supported me in every way they could. 

It wasn't until my best friend told me about someone she knew who was in search of breast milk for her son that I finally got some answers.  Within a week's time, I was connected to this mother and had given her a couple hundred ounces that I had pumped thus far.  And almost a month after I had started pumping, I had weaned down & ended my supply without any physical pain on my part and providing breast milk to someone who could use it.

3. Empty Arms.

 

To be honest, this one is still something I struggle with every day.  I touched on this a little a couple months back, but I'm a firm believer in the "empty arm syndrome" and sometimes still wake up worrying that I've forgotten my baby somewhere.

When we first came home, the feeling was so strong.  I carried a teddy bear that my MIL had given us in hopes that that would help, and while it did, it didn't take away the pain in my heart.  Less than a week after we left the hospital, we had to go back up to the NICU and honestly, there are no words to describe the feeling I had to walk through the NICU doors into the room we spent over a week in and expect to hold my baby girl and know that I couldn't.  That she wouldn't be there.  That was the first time (of many) that it felt like this wasn't just a bad dream.

Now, I still long to hold my baby girl in my arms, but don't feel like it's as constant as before.


I know I’m not alone in this title or sentiment – a mother without a child – and my heart breaks thinking about each & every family who has gone through a similar situation.  My words will never do this feeling justice and I know we were "lucky" enough to have both some time to prepare and even a few days* with our precious baby, but I'm here to say that no amount of time would ever be enough be enough to make this whole experience understandable.

And I'm so sorry to those who have experienced these reminders before...



*Please know how incredible thankful we are for the nine days we got to spend with Charlotte. I'd take 30,000 more, but I will forever hold those nine close to my heart forever.

Holidays Now

For as long as I can remember, I have always looked forward to the holidays.  Whether we’re celebrating with our immediate family or a house full of extended family & friends, I’m always overcome by the magic of it all.

One of the first things I remember doing after I found out I was pregnant with Charlotte was calculate my due date and as I realized we would expecting a Christmas baby, my mind began to wonder what magic the holidays would hold as we saw things through this new baby's eyes.

Unfortunately, we didn't get that chance with our baby girl.

Just a few days after Charlotte’s passing, we found ourselves at a family gathering to celebrate Christmas.  While we chose to attend, in hopes that surrounding ourselves with loved ones would be better than being alone, the pain of it all was still in the forefront of our minds as we realized that instead of celebrating our child's first holiday, we were mourning the first one without her.

Since then, each holiday has looked pretty similar to that Christmas (food, people, gifts), even down to the same question I ask myself, over and over again, as I watch everyone celebrate the occasion – what would this day look like if Charlotte was still with us?

Sometimes, I wonder about the special outfit(s) we would have dressed her in.  Or the joy I would feel as our family doted all over her.  But honestly, most of the time I just find myself thinking about holding her in my arms.  Watching her take in the surroundings.  Experiencing the magic I had as a child.  And the realization that I'll never be able to share that with her devastates me.

Sure, it’s only been a few months so I don’t claim to have it all figured out (in fact, I know I don't), but a few of the things that I have found necessary in order to now attend holidays or family gatherings have been:

• Having a compassionate family who knows when a hug means more than words; 
• Finding a quiet place to escape to when things become too much;
• And, if all else fails, turning my worries, sadness, and anxious thoughts over to God.

Pretty simple, right?  

To most, probably.  And to others, it might seem better to just hide away and avoid these situations all together.  But as someone who loves her family and doesn't want to watch as life passes her by, these simple tasks have truly saved me at the last few family gatherings, while still allowing me room to process if needed.

I don't believe the sadness over losing Charlotte will ever go away and that's just something I will have to accept.  Ever since December 21, 2012, life has looked different in every way and that won't change.  However, I do hope & pray that future family gatherings, especially holidays, will slowly become easier and something maybe I'll look forward to someday..