Saturday, October 31, 2015

Loving Through Loss: Day 31

Last day of Write 31 Days and this series on Loving Through Loss.

I DID IT!

Thank you to all who have followed along, shared this with others, & cheered me on.

A couple years ago, I never thought I'd be sharing these thoughts out loud, but now, after 30+ days of writing, I feel more peace than I did before, which makes this series worth it, even if it took a lot of time & feelings to get through it.


Thanks to the generosity of Lily Jade, I am giving away one of their beautiful bags (winner's choice!) to a mom who has lost a child, either during pregnancy or after, on my Instagram page. Loving on others is a big thing for me, so this is just a small way to say, "your loss is important!"


31 days: Loving Through Loss

Friday, October 30, 2015

Loving Through Loss: Day 30

BLOG SHARES



You might remember I mentioned Natalie earlier this week when I highlighted her children's book "Mommy Has An Angel", but today I wanted to share her blog with those who need encouragement after losing a loved one.

Natalie lost her best friend several years ago to domestic violence and now speaks out on this topic in hopes that it may save someone else's life. Like others I have highlighted, I appreciate Natalie's honest approach to the topic. It's hard to speak out against something that can be hidden behind the walls of a home. I encourage you to read her story & share with those who may need it.


31 days: Loving Through Loss

Thursday, October 29, 2015

Loving Through Loss: Day 29

EMOTIONAL SUPPORT

photo taken by Sam Grable


It's clear that everyone processes loss differently. For some, they may suppress their feelings to stay strong for others, while someone else may just need to share all their feelings all the time. But one thing I want everyone to know --- don't over worry about bringing it up!

For me, one of my biggest fears was everyone forgetting our baby girl because she would no longer be here physically. So my natural instinct was to want to talk about her all.the.time. However, people's reactions made me hold back. Then something changed... I stopped over worrying about what people would say and just let myself talk about her. And you know what? Friends & family started talking about her more too, which I loved. Although everyone is different when it comes to their feelings, I still believe that trying to talk about someone who has just passed away is worth it. They may not want to talk about it right then, but at least you let them know you were thinking of them.

31 days: Loving Through Loss

Wednesday, October 28, 2015

Loving Through Loss: Day 28

RESOURCES


This week, I wanted to share a few books that have helped me process through our loss, besides the other resources I've already highlighted this month.

Beautiful Battlefields by Bo Stern // Shortly after saying goodbye to Charlotte, a friend mailed me the devotional to this book (thanks Karlee!) and then I found myself purchasing the book almost immediately thereafter because I loved the way Bo approached the hard question, "Where is God in the midst of this?" and found comfort in her answers.

I Will Carry You by Angie Smith // This is another book that was given to me and one I couldn't put down. When I was reading this book, I felt like I was reading every feeling & emotion that I went through as we were informed of Charlotte's diagnosis, our decision to not terminate, and when we met her & said good bye all too soon. Yes, this is about the loss of a child, but Angie's faith throughout the book gives a sense of peace in a season of grief.

Mommy Has An Angel by Natalie Lesnefsky // I've been reading Natalie's blog for years, so when I saw her first mention this children's book she was writing after losing her best friend to domestic violence, I couldn't wait to read it. Now, with Calvin starting to become more interested in books, I find comfort in reading him this story, which Natalie wrote from her daughters' point of view. This is a tearjerker for sure!



31 days: Loving Through Loss

Tuesday, October 27, 2015

Loving Through Loss: Day 27

GRACE

photo taken by Sam Grable


Let me preface by saying I am a Christian, if that wasn't already obvious. And as I've told many people, I don't think I would have made it through without my faith, but one thing I had to learn to have grace for was people telling me that our loss was "God's plan".

Yes, I believe God has a plan for all of us, but as I've said many times this month, trying to fix or justify loss is almost impossible, especially when someone is in the thick of it. Even three years after losing Charlotte, I still struggle with this because I don't know God's plan, especially when it comes to taking our daughter away from us. As I mentioned on day 17, I believe God is sad with us when we lose a loved one, but it never made me feel better when someone said "this was God's plan." So when it's said... Have grace. Know they mean well. And keep processing on your own terms.

31 days: Loving Through Loss

Monday, October 26, 2015

Loving Through Loss: Day 26

TANGIBLE SUPPORT

photo taken by Sam Grable

As Write 31 Days is winding down (last week!), I thought why not go as simple as I can with this week's tangible support tip - listen!

Stay with me... I know listening isn't everyone's forte, but I don't feel like this takes a lot out of someone and ends up meaning so much to the one doing the talking. We've all been there --- when we are in need of sharing our thoughts with someone and usually end up walking away feeling better after we do so. This also applies to helping someone through a loss. One piece of advice: please listen, but don't try to fix it. Nothing you say or do will take away their pain, but simply listening does help.


31 days: Loving Through Loss

Sunday, October 25, 2015

Loving Through Loss: Day 25

SCRIPTURE

photo taken by Sam Grable

For I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from his love. Death can’t, and life can’t. The angels won’t, and all the powers of hell itself cannot keep God’s love away. Our fears for today, our worries about tomorrow, or where we are—high above the sky, or in the deepest ocean—nothing will ever be able to separate us from the love of God demonstrated by our Lord Jesus Christ when he died for us.

Romans 8:38-39


31 days: Loving Through Loss

Saturday, October 24, 2015

Loving Through Loss: Day 24

ENCOURAGEMENT

photo taken by Sam Grable

Time. When it comes to grieving, this looks different for everyone. Some people seem to bounce back after a loss and others are still struggling years later. And that's okay. There is no right amount of time for someone to grieve.

One thing I longed for after losing Charlotte was a handbook on grieving. I wanted to know how long it was going to take and what I should know when it comes to processing, which if you know me is totally me. But unfortunately, there is no handbook because everyone is different. Like many things in life, we shouldn't assume anything about someone else, especially when it comes to heartache. Please know that however grieving looks for you is right, but may not be right for the person next to you.


31 days: Loving Through Loss

Friday, October 23, 2015

Loving Through Loss: Day 23

BLOG SHARES



I've said this before, but loss is loss. No matter who you lose, it's still hard. But you know those stories that you hear/read and it makes you think, "this cannot be real!"? This is what Heather Spohrs' story was for me.

I can't do her story justice, so I'm not going to try too hard. As someone who has also lost a young child, I found comfort in her honesty & beautiful account of her daughter, Maddie's short, but impactful life. Heather has also written on her point of view after losing her best friend to a terminal brain tumor and how that loss has changed her life. Heather has been blogging for over 12 years, so she might not be new to you, but I encourage you to check out her page & read her posts on life & loss.


31 days: Loving Through Loss

Thursday, October 22, 2015

Loving Through Loss: Day 22

EMOTIONAL SUPPORT

photo taken by Sam Grable

Have you ever not said something to someone because they might take it the wrong way or you're afraid it might hurt them? When it comes to loss, there are things you shouldn't say, but if you want to say something at all, tell them how much you miss the person they've lost.

I know this really only applies to those who actually knew the person who is no longer here, but for me, this has meant more than any gift I've received. Over the last three years, whenever someone brings up Charlotte's beautiful brown eyes or how easy going she was all.the.time, I beam with pride because it means she touched someone's heart. And when I'm really sad she isn't here, these comments of what people miss take me back to our (short precious) time with her and warm my heart.


31 days: Loving Through Loss

Wednesday, October 21, 2015

Loving Through Loss: Day 21

RESOURCES

photo from After The Loss

Today's resource is one I wished I had access to after Charlotte passed. As I mentioned, we didn't know anyone close to us to talk to about the loss of a child, so I turned to the Internet. And once again, thanks to The Influence Network, I was connected with Jusika Martinez - a fellow believer, wife, & mama to babies on Earth & in Heaven.

After her third loss, Jusika created After The Loss, a compilation of resources + tips for coping with loss. Some are specific to pregnancy or infant loss, but some of them also span general loss. She even has a page on resources for family & friends, which includes a quick "what not to say or do" section. This is one of those websites I hate to have to direct people to, but love that it exists to help others going through loss because I longed for this three years ago.

Jusika - thank you for creating this beautiful page!


31 days: Loving Through Loss

Tuesday, October 20, 2015

Loving Through Loss: Day 20

GRACE

photo taken by Sam Grable

I've touched on the topic of "back to normal" a couple times already, but when you're living it after a loss, it seems unbearable. Even expected loss is hard to come back from. Life looks and feels different, but at the same time, the world around you continues to go on. And that's difficult to understand.

Whether you're the one going through loss or you know someone who is in the thick of it, remember to have grace when life continues on. It's obvious life will never be the same when you've lost a loved one, yet day-to-day activities will continue. As someone who has lost a child, I struggled with why everyone acted so normal when I felt like I was dying inside. Now, I know that no one will ever know what I was feeling exactly because Charlotte was my daughter, not theirs. It's not easy, but when I put myself in their shoes, I understood the bigger picture.


31 days: Loving Through Loss

Monday, October 19, 2015

Loving Through Loss: Day 19

TANGIBLE SUPPORT

photo taken by Sam Grable


Between Charlotte's birth, her passing, and her memorial, we were surrounded by family & friends. But once everyone went home and life went back to "normal" was when our loss felt the most real. Honestly, I was afraid that everyone was going to forget about our baby girl, but thankfully that wasn't true.

One thing I was thankful for when we were in the thick of our loss was the check-ins from people. Sometimes they were on the 12th (Charlotte's birthday) or the 21st (when we said goodbye to her) of each month and other times it was just an ordinary day, but a simple text, phone call, letter saying - "thinking of you!", "how are you?", "love you" - is really encouraging and all you need to say.

31 days: Loving Through Loss

Sunday, October 18, 2015

Loving Through Loss: Day 18

SCRIPTURE

photo taken by Sam Grable

The Lord replied: “Look, and be amazed! You will be astounded at what I am about to do! For I am going to do something in your own lifetime that you will have to see to believe"

Habakkuk 1:5

31 days: Loving Through Loss

Saturday, October 17, 2015

Loving Through Loss: Day 17

ENCOURAGEMENT

photo taken by Sam Grable

Even though we were surrounded by family & friends after we lost Charlotte, all I felt was alone. No one quite understood what we were experiencing. We were empty handed. Heart broken. But through many months of healing, we realized we weren't truly alone - God was sad with us!

I know not everyone is religious, but once I realized that God wasn't doing this TO us, but rather going through it WITH us, I felt a comfort that I can only explain as peace. Sure, we are still sad and long to hold our baby girl again, but knowing God was mourning with us did help. So if you're in the thick of loss, remember you aren't completely alone, even if you feel like it. God is missing your loved one too & wants to comfort you through this loss!


31 days: Loving Through Loss

Friday, October 16, 2015

Loving Through Loss: Day 16

BLOG SHARES


photo from Our City Lights

In a lot of ways, the stories other people were able to write are what helped me the most. Not only did they touch very close to home for me, but they also encouraged me to share my story without feeling ashamed.

I first met Diana La Counte when we were placed in a online community group. From the first time I met with her, I immediately admired thoughts and outlook on life. Even after losing her first child after carrying him for 40+ weeks, her positivity and love still exudes in both her posts & real life, two things I had a hard time with honestly. Again, I urge you to read her story and insight on loss because it's inspiring.


31 days: Loving Through Loss

Thursday, October 15, 2015

Loving Through Loss: Day 15

EMOTIONAL SUPPORT

photo taken by Sam Grable


When we were told of Charlotte's diagnosis, I prayed for a miracle. When the doctors told us it was most likely lethal, we still hoped they were wrong. To be honest, I remember a number of times pleading with God to take me and save her because as a parent I just wanted to save my child's life. But in December of 2012, Charlotte took her last breath and I was left empty handed & full of guilt.

Still today, three years later, I think about what I could have done differently to save Charlotte. And I think this is a common feeling when one loses someone close to them. Guilt can be debilitating and hard to accept. Be prepared to let someone process why they are still here and their loved one isn't, but remind them they are still here for a reason and it is not their fault.


31 days: Loving Through Loss