Thursday, March 29, 2007

Any man can be a father. It takes someone special to be a dad. ~Author Unknown

When I was little, my dad was everything to me. I was the epitome of a “daddy’s girl” and I would have given anything to make him proud. Now, that man has gone from dad to father faster than I could have ever imagined.

Tonight, I received an e-mail saying that (basically) it is my fault that our relationship is so bad because I only look at him as the provider of my education and nothing more. Ironically enough, that is just what he made himself out to be.

He chose to take himself out of my life the day he divorced my mom and chose to move across the country and start a new family. He chose to make himself the “money man” when he thought he could buy our love. He chose to be in the position that he is in all by himself.

Why does he make me cry? Why does he make me doubt the way I love? Why does he make me feel like I can never accomplish anything?

I don’t know the answers to these questions. I don’t know what to do to make him love me and sometimes I don’t know why I care so much.

I know there are so many people who love me and so many people who would do anything for me, but it’s hard to think of those people when the man who gave life to me has chosen not to be in my life.

All this to say a man can be a dad one minute and a father the next. I don’t know where my father and I will be in a few years or a few months, but all I can believe in is that someday he might want to become a dad again and be in my life.

Until that day comes, I suppose I’ll just continue to pray. Lately I feel like that’s all I’ve got anymore. Maybe one day something will come of it…

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

One year ago, I couldn’t stop crying.
One year ago, my heart was broken.
One year ago, I was in New Orleans.

This week I’ve spent a lot of time thinking back to my time in New Orleans -- The places I saw. The people I met. The feelings I felt. How do I put it all into words? How to I express what I’ve gone through?

And lately I’ve been afraid that I’m going to forget the amazing experiences I have been blessed to have. I have made friends that have all changed my life in unbelievable ways. I have had the chance to travel and experience life changing events. I’ve been very blessed!

And that’s why I want to do more. That is why I want to help those who have not been given these same privileges. In my heart, I want to save the world. Maybe someday I’ll come a little closer to doing that.

A friend recently asked how will you save the world and I replied with “one hug at a time.” And I believe it. Another friend said that there are not enough hugs given these days, and I believe it. Hug someone. Love on someone. Encourage someone. Maybe a life won’t be saved, but I am sure that the person on the receiving end will be changed and given a little hope. Maybe. Let’s hope.

Friday, March 23, 2007

Boy am I thankful. I may not say it enough, but I am so thankful for the people in my life. Outside of my mom, Kelly, and Sam, I rarely express my appreciation to others, but tonight I felt an overriding joy and thankfulness for my fellow India goers… and this is why:

First off, the leaders, the Baldwins, Sarah and Clint – You two are amazing! The love and joy that you have for those around you is unbelievable and I’m so thankful that I have been given the chance to get to know both. You compliment each other greatly and I can’t wait to get to know you further.

Deming – I never thought I would receive the chance to get to know you on a deeper level, but now that I am, it excites me. Your smile and hugs brightens my day. Thank you for that!

Abbot – You are a funny guy! Your sense of humor is such a breath of fresh air that I thoroughly enjoy having you around. I’m also thankful for your caring heart and look forward to getting to know you better.

Jason – You’re very intriguing and while I may not know you well now, I’m betting/hoping we’ll have some good conversations come June!

Ben – CHAPLIN! I’m thankful for you and the fact that you are so friendly and easy to approach. Seeing you in passing still feels like a good conversation and I can’t wait to spend more time around you.

Jamison Loop – I am sorta falling in friendship love with you! I am thankful for your open ears and big heart and curly hair. Thank you for letting me give you great big hugs and being my friend!

Trisha – You are a kick in the pants! I am thankful for your spirit and energy that radiates from you daily. Even when you are having a rough day, you are still able to make someone smile – a very good quality to have, don’t lose it.

Chloe – Thank you for your kind heart! I’m looking forward to learning more about your life and what drives you.

Molly – I am thankful for you because you blow my mind with everything you set out to do. After NOLA I was so proud of you and I can’t wait to see what you can do in India.

Emily – You have been the secret of the group and I mean that in the best way. I wasn’t sure what to think at first, but now I am so happy to have gotten to know you a little bit. Thank you for being passionate and organized, I feel that connection with you!

Court – You are so cool! I just see you around campus and smile because we are friends and you are awesome. You have a beautiful heart and I can’t wait to spend more time talking with you further. Thank you for letting me get to know you!

Hannah-face – My lion haired friend, you are beautiful! Thank you for your hugs and loves. Thank you for your kind heart. Here’s to more good times together!

RA – Thank you for coming up with an awesome nickname for me. Thank you for your good hugs and hellos. Thank you for sharing your heart with me. Let’s be friends for a long time, ok?

And last, but not least, B - I’m so thankful for the love and compassion that shines through you even when you are having a bad day. Your smile can melt my heart and bring me to tears (in a good way). I can’t imagine a time of not knowing you and am so thankful you have become a friend I never want to lose. I admire you immensely!!

Thank you God for this amazing group and I look forward to your plans with all of us. I pray that you give us the strength to endure the rest of the school year and our time leading up to India, as well as during and after. Keep us close and connecting with one another.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

A friend of mine spoke in chapel this morning and it blew my mind. I know if she read/reads this, she would tell me “shut up”, but it really did. She was amazing and spoke right to many people’s hearts.

It’s hard to be in a place where everyone is thinking one thing and you are thinking another. A place where you ask so many questions that you no long believe what you originally believed in. A completely unknown, unfamiliar, perplexing place -- this might be where I’m headed.

Maybe I’m sad. Maybe I’m angry. Maybe I’m just tired. Overall, I’m not where I thought I would be 4 years ago. But in the end, I think I will be ok because I must be headed in the direction I’m suppose to be, even if I have no idea where I will end up.

Thank you for sharing your heart. Thank you for asking the questions that so many are afraid to ask. Thank you for being real. Thank you.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

A blog? Really?
Although I may talk often and complain a lot, I am not exactly the type who writes a lot down.
Usually I can't find the right words or I end up erasing it or tearing it up before I even think about it...
Yet here I am now, typing my first official blog.
Well, here goes nothing… lets see how long this lasts =)