Wednesday, February 27, 2013


Back in January, we put together a slideshow of some of our favorite photos for Charlotte's memorial service in order to tell her story for those who didn't get to meet our precious baby girl in person.  Ultimately, we wanted to try & capture the reoccurring theme of Charlotte's short life, which was, without a doubt, love.

Just last week, my dad said something that really spoke to me.  He said, "Charlotte was surrounded by pure love for her entire lifetime, and how many people get to say that?"  And that is so true!  What a beautiful picture in and of itself!

You've heard the phrase, "a picture's worth a thousand words", right?  Well if that's the case, we have over a million of them stored on our computer from Charlotte's nine days of life.  Here's just a small percentage of our favorites:

Thursday, February 21, 2013


I'm currently...

WATCHING: the hours tick by until I'm on my way to spend the weekend with my mom.  I booked this trip early last month so I would have something to look forward to and it couldn't come at a better time.  However, I am sad to leave Sam for three days...

PLANNING: out what our spring & summer might look like.  So far there is a weekend at the coast, photographing our first wedding, birthdays to celebrate, a trip to Texas, and a possible hot air balloon ride.  And that's just until June!

WORKING ON: making more intentional connections with people, whether in person or through the Internet.  Sometimes this looks like a phone call/text/email checking in with someone & planning a time to meet up (if possible).  And other times it just looks like a comment left on a blog post that really spoke to me.  Either way, my goal is to not be someone who sits back and lurks.

READING: the lastest Emily Giffin book, "Where We Belong".  Yes I started it over 6 months ago, but with everything that has been going on, I haven't had a chance to complete it yet.  I'm hoping this weekend's flights will help me finish this book.

FEELING: peace with where we're at right now.  Of course, I wish life was different, but because I can't do anything to change what happened, I am trying to be content with where we're at.  Not only is this our physical location, but, more importantly, emotionally as well.

PINNING: pieces of art that I'd love to own for our home; recipes that both fit our new eating plan & some that don't; and words of wisdom to help me get through the tough times.

INSPIRED BY: lots of bloggers lately! To name a couple from this week... Amy at Chapters, Diana at Hormonal Imbalances, AP at I Love You More Than Carrots and Erin at Blue Eyed Bride.  I am so thankful there are women out there who are willing to share their lives with complete strangers, like me.

REMEMBERING: what we were doing two months ago today... saying goodbye to our little girl.  Hands down, the worst day of my life and one I will never forget.  While I spoke about feeling peace above, I have to be honest in saying that I still feel angry sometimes too.  Even though I know she's in a better place now, I'd be lying if I said I didn't wish she was still in our arms.  Thank you to those who also remembered today!

Friday, February 15, 2013

Friday Bullets

  • TGIF and so thankful I am!
  • Looking back, this week wasn't crazy, but for some reason it has left me longing for the weekend.
  • We did have an appointment with our genetic counselor, which also fell on what-would-have-been Charlotte's two month birthday.
  • While the appointment went as well as could be expected, there were still a lot of emotions to be had.
  • And I couldn't help but think of this post by Diana of Hormonal Imbalances because that's exactly how I feel when I am missing Charlotte the most.
  • But thank you to those who checked in with us in regards to the appointment and let us know we were on your minds.
  • Starting this week, Sam and I decided to try to make a conscience effort to eat healthier.
  • We're basically trying to stay away from carbs & sugars.
  • Do you know how hard that is?
  • AND Valentines Day fell on the week we started... 
  • I do have to say I am pretty proud of us for making it through the 'love' day without eating a bunch of sweets.
  • Plus, we do get a "cheat day" once a week and I am thinking about making these Nutella Cupkins that AP from ILYMTC made a couple weeks ago.
  • As for this weekend, we have very little plans to leave the house (yay!).
  • With the exception of a dinner up in Portland with my dad who is town from New Hampshire (double yay!).
Hope you all have a good weekend!

Tuesday, February 12, 2013


To most, this is just another day, but for us, it marks two months since we met our baby girl. And in 9 days, it will have been two months since we said good bye.

I apologize if I sound like a broken record, but some days it's all I can think about.  At first, all I could do was make it through the next hour.  Then it was trying to make it through the day, followed by the week, and now month to month.  Sure, a hard day happens and I go back to trying to make it through the hour/day/week again, but I am finding these month milestones have become necessary in my healing, like "if I can make it to the 12th or 21st of the month, then I have accomplished something."  Especially when we're thinking of the future ahead of us.

Today also held an appointment with our genetic counselor for the first time since last October.  Not only did she have piles of information for us, but she also had a listening ear & a caring heart.  She walked us through different options in regards to testing & future pregnancies and I went away feeling a little better than when I walked in, which was a big prayer going into the appointment.

In the end, regardless of what option we choose to go with, I am beginning to feel like life might one day be okay again.  Will that day be tomorrow?  Probably not.  Will it be next month?  I don't know.  But what I do know is that we grew an amazing little girl who touched a lot of lives and will be in our hearts forever, no matter what path we decide to go down.  And that's enough to keep me going towards next month.

Tuesday, February 5, 2013


Last week, my husband posted this on Facebook:

"Friday afternoon, I bought my wife three flowers. Two of the flowers were yellow and the third was pink. She posted a picture of these on Facebook and a friend commented that the two yellow flowers represented Meaghan and I and the pink flower represented our daughter, Charlotte. Meaghan and I liked this. Today we came home and noticed that the two yellow flowers have wilted and are all but dead, but the pink flower is thriving. This made me very sad, but also gave me hope. While Meaghan and I are heartbroken and grief stricken over the loss of our girl, I believe that God showed us this little vignette of life to reassure us that Charlotte is well taken care of in His hands."

I keep returning to this story because it's a reminder I want to hold close to my heart.  The fact that my husband posted about it at all shows me how strong he is in his faith, which is sometimes the only thing that keeps me going day to day.  

To be honest, there are still many days where all we can do is cry because we miss her so much, but then we are reminded of where our little Charlotte is and the beauty she is surrounded by now with God.  

And that is enough to bring us a little hope, even if it is joined with our sadness.

Friday, February 1, 2013

Friday Bullets

A friend of mine (hi Rhi!) frequently posts 'Friday Bullets' on her blog and since I have (sometimes random) things I'd like to post about, I thought I'd follow her lead.

  • I wasn't sure I'd have much to talk about this week, but then by today, I feel like I just needed to rant a little bit.
  • Last weekend started out on a good note with a great girl's night.
  • We laughed, we ate, we drank - what more could you ask for :)
  • I also met up with a college friend for coffee on Saturday, which was just what I needed.
  • As I get older, I'm realizing that quality over quantity is so much better when it comes to friends.
  • For example, I can't possibly invest in hundreds of "friends" and feel fulfilled, but a handful of good people that I love & trust is way more feasible and rewarding in my opinion.
  • In talking to another friend this weekend, I mentioned how I felt like I was having longer periods of time between being sad about Charlotte.
  • Looking back, I think I jinxed msyelf because Tuesday night was a bad one.
  • So many emotions came all at once and all I could do was cry.
  • While the longing to have her here is constant, it feels more intense at times and all we can do is cry.
  • And pray for comfort.
  • After working through some of our feelings, I felt like things were on the up swing again, but then we submitted our taxes and found out that someone else claimed Charlotte as their dependent!
  • I'm still trying to figure out what kind of person would do that...
  • Instead of getting this crossed off our to-do list, I am working on getting all the proper back up needed to prove that she is our dependent, no one else's.
  • My faith in humanity is next to nothing when something like this happens.
  • If you're the praying kind, pray that this can be corrected soon!
  • The only way I can describe my current state of emotions is a roller coaster --- one minute things are fine and the next I'm headed down a 100 foot drop.
  • Hoping we get a break from the roller coaster I call life this weekend.

What are your plans for the weekend?