From the day I announced I was pregnant, it felt like everyone had questions:
How are you feeling?
Is this your first?
Do you know what you’re having?
All of which usually resulted in an “aw”, a smile, and/or some
sort of unsolicited advice.
However when we found out about Charlotte’s diagnosis, my whole world flipped upside down and I was no longer sure what our future held so I chose to keep everything fairly
private. Besides close friends &
family, most of the people I met/saw on a daily basis probably thought my pregnancy was
pretty normal and uneventful, while inside our minds raced because we didn't even know what the days after Charlotte's birth would look like, if we got any at all...
After Charlotte passed, accepting what had happened was still really hard. I avoided unwanted conversations where questions could arise by either hidding out at home or ignoring my
phone, but the more time that passed, the more I knew that I'd have to face the outside world again, but how?
How would their questions make me feel?
How would I answer their questions?
How would they feel after I answered their questions?
The more I thought about it (and sometimes I thought
about it enough that I’d made myself sick with worry), the more I realized I
had two options: 1. I could either be brief with a one-word answer & hope that
that was enough for them or 2. I could be vulnerable & open myself up for the
world to see.
And to be honest, neither option is very comfortable.
While I have spent time working on my answers (both for me and the unsuspecting person asking the question), I continue to come away without the right words to say.
Yet regardless of what I say, I am slowly realizing the importance of sharing our past with others. It isn’t always pretty, but in
the end all of those events have led me to where I am today. My childhood. My parent’s divorce. My college experiences. My marriage. And now my daughter’s short life.
As for the future, we’re taking it
one day at a time. We both long to be
parents more than we ever thought we would and hope to grow our family sometime
soon. It’s hard not to live in the past
or the future all the time, so I keep trying to remind myself to live in the moment as much as I can.