Noonday Adoption Fundraiser + GIVEAWAY!

 image from MERCY iNK

Confession: I love the look of jewelry, but hardly wear it myself.

I don't know if it's my lifestyle (hello sweats!) or my lack of confidence wearing it, but jewelry just sits on my dresser, unworn & unloved. That is, until I was introduced to Noonday Collection. Since September, I have added several new pieces to my collection and now find myself reaching for these pieces whenever I get dressed & feeling more self-assured, as well.

wearing the Rachel Necklace + Tangled Beads Bracelet at The Influence Conference

If you haven't heard of Noonday before, their purpose statement says it all:

We partner with talented artisan entrepreneurs to make a difference in some of the world’s most vulnerable communities. By developing artisan businesses through fair trade, we empower them to grow sustainably and to create dignified jobs for people who need them. Together we’re building a flourishing world where children are cherished, women are empowered, people have jobs and we are connected.

And on top of that, this company has a huge heart for those who have been called to adopt. Like my friends, Matt + Keri Nikkel.

So when my friend, Hannah, became an ambassador and we began hearing more about Noonday, I immediately knew I would like to host a trunk show for the Nikkels. If there is anything I've learned through observing their process, it's that adoption isn't for the faint at heart and with it comes it's own set of challenges & celebrations. But if I could help in even the smallest way, I wanted to do so. 

Enter: my Noonday for Baby Nikkel trunk show

With every purchase made through this trunk show, 10% of the sales will go directly toward the Nikkel’s qualifying adoption expenses to help bring home their precious child. And trust me when I say this child is already SO loved!

In addition, as a thank you to those who make a purchase through this trunk show, I am also giving away some "vintage Noonday" - the Diamond Drop Earrings.

 photo by Hannah Zirschky

These earrings are made of hand-cast brass beads with a luminous turquoise glass bead on the end of each & are made with love in India (another place close to my heart). And as of this week, they are sold out!


How do you enter?

Simply place an order through this link: ((http://bit.ly/MeaghanGrable)) and add desired accessories to your basket. Upon checkout (very last page of process), you will be prompted to type in a Trunk Show name. Please type my name, Meaghan Grable, in the box. 

That’s it! 

When my trunk show closes next Friday, November 20, I will randomly select a winner from those who placed an order and contact them directly.


Disclosure: I was not paid for this giveaway or this fundraiser.

Peek-a-whoo Monogrammed Jellycat Bunnies {with discount code!}

*While I have been chosen as one of Peek-a-whoo's Brand Ambassadors, all thoughts are my own*

After saying goodbye to Charlotte just before Christmas in 2012, the holidays became something I dreaded. When I should have been excited because we'd be celebrating another "first", I longed for just another normal day.

But when we scheduled Calvin's birthday (thanks to a repeat c-section) and it fell a few days before Easter, I felt a little redemption. And because we missed out on all of Charlotte's first holidays, I made sure Calvin's very first holiday was done right.

Enter: Peek-a-whoo's monogrammed Jellycat bunnies!

 (Look how tiny he was! Cue the mama tears...)

Not only are these bunnies oh-so-soft, but the monogram detailing really completes this gift. With free monogramming on just about all their products, Peek-a-whoo certainly knows what they are doing. After deciding how you want to personalize your purchase, Peek-a-whoo takes just another typical gift and turns it into a keepsake for years to come!

Not only was this bunny the perfect addition to Calvin's first Easter basket, but it's safe to say, almost a year later, this bunny has become a staple in our home. And from experience, you can rest assured everything (the softness, the monogramming, etc.) will hold up through the wash, if it comes to that.

So, are you convinced you need a bunny for your little one's Easter basket this year? 

If so, then you're in luck! Peek-a-whoo is offering Grable Tales readers 10% off ALL Jellycat bunny sizes (regular, large, & huge!) with the code 'GRABLE15'. But hurry - this offer is only good until March 13, 2015.

Now the question is... what size/color are you going to choose?

What's In My Bag?

I don't know about you, but my diaper bag is a workhorse.

I just keep stuffing things in until it seems like it's going to burst, but yet there is always one more little area to cram something into.  Maybe it's that baby stuff is generally tiny or maybe they are just magic :)  Either way, here is what you can find in my diaper bag at any given time:

1. Jacket // living in the Pacific Northwest, we generally see rain at least 6-8 months out of the year, so this is a necessity.

2. Wubbanub pacifier // we have two of these and they are Calvin's favorite.

3. sippy cup // Calvin hasn't mastered the sippy cup, but he likes playing with it, so it comes along.

4. blanket // Aden + Anais swaddle blankets are good for just about anything, so we tend to carry one with us at all times.

5. nursing cover // I generally don't nurse as often when we're out, but keep this on hand just in case.

6. diaper + wipes // enough said.

7. toys // something to keep Calvin's attention while we're out, even if only for a little bit.

8. wallet // thanks to the zipper, I can cram just about everything into this one.

9. essential oils // lavender, lemon, OnGuard, DigestZen... just a few of our favorites to use on Calvin throughout the day.


What are your diaper must-haves? Anything I'm missing?


I was not compensated for my thoughts on the products mentioned above, they have just become some of our favorites over the last few months.

Farewell 2014

2014 was a quiet year for Grable Tales.  I could blame it on having a baby, but shouldn't that have given me more content?  I have a feeling that Instagram has something to do with the lack of posts --- honestly, it's a lot easier to post a photo with a small comment then think of an entire post.  Regardless, this year still deserves some recognition:

January - *crickets*

February - my first post of the year was a Stitch Fix review: pregnant edition; I also shared how I was spending my time lately (hint: Sam Grable Photo, The Influence Network, and being pregnant for the second time); I announced my hopes of attending my second Influence Conference; and blogged about my love for 4moms.

March - I started the month off by writing out my monthly goals (and linking up with The Tiny Twig's Goals with Grace); I updated my about me page & began leading an Influence Network community group; and I talked about being a month out from meeting our baby boy (& shared his name)

April - I revisited my March goals + shared my April goals; and blogged about my thoughts of Brené Brown’s book - Daring Greatly

May - I looked back on my April goals + made a few May goals; introduced our baby boy, Calvin!; shared how different Mother's Day felt this year; started writing monthly letters to Calvin; and shared my first postpartum Stitch Fix review.

June - continued with goals for June; after flying across the country with a six week old, I blogged about some of the 'flying with a baby' tips/advice that worked for us; Calvin turned two months old; and Sam & I celebrated our sixth wedding anniversary.

July - this month, I really started to give myself grace when it came to my goals for July; parenting definitely isn't easy, but on occasion it does make you feel like you have some super powers; another Stitch Fix review (I love this service!); my baby turned three months old; and I blogged about the community I found online.

August - still going strong + trying to be transparent with my monthly goals; I reviewed my birthday Stitch Fix; and Calvin kept getting bigger (four months old).

September - I finally realized that some goals will be repeats each month and that's ok; I (re)introduced myself in preparation of the Influence Conference; Calvin turned five months old; thanks to credits, I received a Stitch Fix before attending the Influence Conference; and then I recapped the conference for the second year in a row.

October - two posts remain consistent each month: goals + Calvin's letter (six months old this month!)

November - goals, goals, goals (sorry for the repeating); a photo recap of October; I shared my experience with essential oils; I turned to social media for help with this month's Stitch Fix review; Calvin turned seven months old; and I took some time to be thankful.

December - after nine months of goals, I shared my last goals (with grace) for 2014; blogged about Christmas traditions; honored Charlotte's second birthday and shared the way we chose to celebrate her; reflected on our second year without our baby girl; Calvin celebrated his eighth month of being on the outside; I blogged about the significance of a little giraffe; and reviewed my final Stitch Fix for the year.

This year brought a lot of joy + hope, as well as sleepless nights + tears. And while this space has been primarily used to review Stitch Fixes, write out my goals, and share my monthly letter to Calvin, but I appreciate the comments & community I've found through this space + social media outlets.  Maybe next year things will be different...

Until then... Happy New Year!

The Baby Companion: A Review and Giveaway!

When I was pregnant, I can't tell you how many books and websites I searched hoping to find the answers to all my questions regarding what to expect after my child was born.  However, more often than not, the answers I usually came across left me feeling uneasy and ultimately searching for more answers. Until I found The Baby Companion.

A follow up to the The Pregnancy Companion, The Baby Companion is "a faith-filled guide for your journey through baby's first year" and, in my opinion, one (essential) step above most how-to books available today.

While other baby books strive to give you the facts on any given topic (eating, sleeping, vaccinations, etc.), this one provides the basic developments & milestones one can expect from month-to-month, while also sharing real-life strategies, schedules, and lists for new moms. 

And my favorite part?  The biblical references and reminders that you are not alone, God is walking through this journey WITH you.

As I learn to navigate through motherhood, I can already tell you that this book has become a go-to resource. It has a prominent spot on my nightstand and with each new month, I turn to the corresponding chapter to see what I can expect from my growing baby boy, while still receiving gentle reminders to have grace on myself - something I wasn't able to find from other resources out there.

A big thank you to Jessica Wolstenholm (of Grace for Moms) and her team of doctors, Dr. Andrea Johnston and Dr. Heather Rupe, for writing a book that brings medicine + faith together in a way that a new mom can easily relate to.

Be sure to check out a sample chapter from The Pregnancy Companion here, as well as (free!) printables that correspond with The Baby Companion here.

AND as an added bonus, one lucky winner will get a copy of either The Pregnancy Companion OR The Baby Companion (your choice!).  It doesn't matter if you're expecting or not, this would be a great gift for any new mom or mom-to-be out there!


a Rafflecopter giveaway

Contest is open to Canadian and US residents

Open from July 23, 2014 to July 30, 2014 PST

Disclousre: while I received a copy of The Baby Companion in exchange for my review, all opinions expressed above are my own.

Parenting Super Powers

Photo by Megan Love Photography

Since becoming a mom, my priorities have shifted quite a bit. Instead of thinking of my own needs first, I now spend my time caring for my baby and keeping him alive day in & day out. To some, this might seem easy, but I find myself tapping into my "supermom" powers to get me through the day.

Multi-tasking. I've prided myself on being able to multi-task for years, but since becoming a mom this super power has taken a whole new meaning. I can start laundry, put dishes away, vacuum, and reply to emails all while rocking my baby. This isn't required all the time, but is a nice ability when I just need to get something done.

Super strength. Sometimes this looks like just keeping a determined baby away from harmful situations and other times this looks like having enough strength to soothe an unhappy child. Either way, my body is stronger in ways I didn't know possible.

Animal senses. This one surprised me the most. I had heard that a mom knows which cry is her baby's, but didn't fully believe it until I became a mom. With the help of safety gates and baby monitors, I'm able to know my child is safe whether they are in my arms or not.  Plus, companies like Dropcam have made things even easier by allowing your to monitor your child from your phone or tablet, which is a big plus to this tech-loving mama.


What super powers have you found while being a parent?


Disclosure: I did not receive any product or compensation for any mentions in this post.

Flying with a Baby

Last week, we - my husband, myself, and our six week old son - took our first family vacation. Across the country. On an airplane.

Were we crazy? A little bit. But this trip was important because it meant introducing Calvin to grandparents, uncles, and extended family who weren't able to come out in April. However, as much as I was excited for our trip, I was equally as nervous about the flights.

I generally enjoy flying, but never traveling with a baby before was throwing me off my game. So I turned to friends, Twitter, and Pinterest for any & all tips on what to expect when flying with a baby. Some of the information was gold and some didn't apply to us, but the wealth of knowledge I found was reassuring to this new mama and I thought I'd share what ended up working for us.
















1. Carry-on

I used to be the person who ONLY brought a carry-on when I went on a trip, but after this trip, I'm convinced that the less you need to carry on the plane, the better. My husband & I still carried on multiple bags each, but I chalk that up to thinking we needed to bring everything with us.

My advice: only carry on the essentials - diapers, wipes, a change of clothes. With Calvin being six weeks old, he didn't require much and I found that I only ended up using said essentials.

2. Wear your baby

I've become a big fan of baby wearing since we brought Calvin home. And when it came to navigating the busy airport and crowded plane, my love for wearing my baby multiplied.

We went with the Ergo carrier with the infant insert so either my husband or I could wear the baby. Not only did this free up our hands to hold our carry-ons, but within minutes of putting Calvin in the carrier, he fell fast asleep. Another plus? We could carry him through security without taking him out of the carrier.
















3. Window seat

Pre-baby, I tended to prefer the aisle. After researching 'flying with a baby', one of the popular pieces of advice was to get a window seat and without hesitation I changed my seating assignment.

As the advice noted, sitting by the window brought several positive features: more privacy to nursing, kept people from ogling & touching Calvin, and gave me something to look at.

As an added bonus, our flight back east was not completely booked and we scored a full row to ourselves. This made our flight so much better than the return flight (without the extra room) because we could ALL spread out a bit.

4. Feed the baby during take-off & landing

Of all the advice we received, this was at the top. Due to the change in air pressure, I was advised to feed specifically during take-off & landing to force my baby's ears to unplug, so I did. Someone else told me to nurse whenever the baby wanted, so I did that as well. Thankfully, we didn't notice any discomfort in Calvin's ears on either flight.











5. Relax

Flying can be stressful, but add a baby into the mix and it seems to multiply. There were several times when Calvin began to cry and I instantly began to worry about disrupting those around us. I know we weren't the first to fly with a baby (or the last), so by remembering that fact & turning my full attention to the baby, I was able to re-focus & relax a little.

One last thing to note:

Jet lag is a thing. Alternate title: being up until 4am is rough after traveling all day.


Have you flown with a baby? Any advice you have to share?

Introducing: Calvin Philip

After our previous experience with pregnancy + birth, I guess it could be expected that we went into this one with some trepidation. And when our scheduled c-section date finally arrived, I was a big ball of emotions.


Wednesday, April 16 began bright and early (4am early!) for us. Sam's sister & brother-in-law were staying at our house for the week and made it a point to get up before we headed to the hospital so they could pray over us and the baby we would be meeting in just a couple hours, which was a very special time after all we'd been through.


Once at the hospital, we went through the prep and waited for surgery as we had done sixteen months earlier. Most of the pre-op + surgery resembled Charlotte's in many ways, but had some differences as well. Different hospital and doctor + team. But the main difference was what happened AFTER the doctors pulled the baby out.


See, with Charlotte, as soon as she was born, she was whisked away by the NICU team and I didn't get to see her for several hours, which we accepted because she needed the immediate help & attention. But this time, with Calvin, he was brought straight to us! And like most of the other milestones we crossed through this pregnancy, I finally felt like I could breathe once he was placed on my chest.


Everything following Calvin's first cry seems like blur. A happy, blissful blur. From operating room to recovery to our final room, the morning flew by as we got to know one another, just the three of us (at least for a couple hours while we waited for our first guests to arrive).

Calvin Philip Grable

Born April 16 at 8:06am

8lbs 7oz, 21.75" long

Welcome to the world, sweet boy!

{Less Than} One Month To Go...

We're officially under the one month mark.

In less than a month, we will finally get to meet the little guy who's been bouncing around inside me for the last nine months...the one we've been praying for since before we even knew he existed.

And my emotions are flying!

I'm... ecstatic to meet him; sad his sister isn't here with us; worried something might go wrong at the last second; and feeling every bit of "first parent" nerves, to say the least.  I'd say it sounds like I'm pretty fun to be around, huh?

Despite my emotions taking over my thoughts, we've also been working on getting those last minute items crossed off our list:

*Setting up the nursery

*Installing the car seat & packing our hospital bags

*Filling out paperwork (for the hospital, insurance companies, etc.)

*Scheduling newborn photos

And while people keep suggesting how time is going to slow down in these last couple weeks, I'm desperately trying to savor these precious moments of Sam & I before our focus turns towards this little one. [We experienced this shift in focus briefly when Charlotte arrived.  And even though we left the hospital with empty arms, our thoughts (and hearts) were still filled with someone new, we just didn't have the physical demands in front of us.]

So (as long as everything goes as planned) on April 16, we'll wake up and head to the hospital just the two of us [with Charlotte in our hearts & memory], and by the end of the day, our lives will be forever changed with this little one God has placed in our lives! 

Insert: all the emotions...

Calvin Philip, we can't wait to meet you!

Personalized Jellycat bunny + pacifier clip from Peekawhoo

4moms: Share Your Story

Like with many things, I first heard about 4moms through the blogging world. Although I wasn't pregnant at the time, their products stood out among other baby products because they were innovative & unique to say the least. One thing I knew, I planned to register for some of their products when the time came.

Fast forward to last month. Before I got a chance to put my most desired 4moms item on our registry (the mamaRoo), I received an email saying I had won one simply by sharing my story on their site!


And about a week later, a brand new mamaRoo was waiting on my porch. I couldn't wait to see what all the fuss was about, whether the baby was here yet or not, so I took a chance, opened the box, & tried putting the it together myself.


And before I knew it (about 15-20 minutes), the mamaRoo was set up & ready to go!


Unfortunately, this mamaRoo has been used by any real babies yet (just a couple stuffed animals), but all the reviews I've read have been more than promising and make me really excited for our baby boy to try it out in a couple months. Until then, I'll smile a little every time I walk by this amazing gift from the 4moms team!


Disclaimer: I wasn't asked to share about this by 4moms, but just wanted to share my thoughts & feelings.

Farewell 2013

When 2013 began, I wasn't sure what the year would hold. We had just suffered a major loss and living day to day (sometimes hour to hour) was all I could handle. And my blogging certainly reflected what I was feeling and how little words I had to share:

January - I started the year writing down a few of my 2013 goals {that I actually accomplished}; I shared the gift we were given through Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep; began posting Friday bullets; and talked about Charlotte - one month after meeting her, never forgetting her, and the reminders of her all around me.

February - I continued posting Friday bullets {an easy way to get my thoughts out}; I shared a story my husband posted on Facebook about Charlotte & having hope; on what would have been C's two month birthday, I talked about anniversaries have helped me heel & meeting with the genetic counselor; and posted the video we shared at Charlotte's memorial.

March - I received {& blogged about} my first Stitch Fix and fell in love the company's concept; the month was filled Friday bullets/thoughts; I joined the Influence Network & attended my first classes; and I shared about a series about life after Charlotte.

April - after sharing about the desire to talk about life after Charlotte in March, I posted about the holidays, being a mother without a child, and questions I've received; I updated my blog with a new design & address; and I ran walked a 5k with my sister-in-law.

May - 2012 was the year of the photo-a-day and in May I shared the book that I made to compile all of my photos in one place; I saw Sara Bareillis again, up close & personal; I celebrated my first Mother's Day without Charlotte, which was bittersweet; and I ended the month visiting Austin & the Heater family.

June - another Stitch Fix box arrived and yet again I was exctied to see what my stylist picked out for me; due to an Influence Network prompt, I shared what home means to me; I couldn't believe six months had already passed since meeting & saying goodbye to Charlotte; and we celebrated our fifth wedding anniversary.

July - my Friday bullets transformed into '5 on Friday', where I shared five of my favorites from the week; I was offered a chance to review a Float Wrap from Printography; I featured five blogs that have helped me through the grieving process; and Sam & I got away for a peaceful weekend.

August - more & more 5 on Fridays {apparently that's the way I got myself to post throughout most of the year}; and Sam built me a headboard.

September - this is the month where my posting drastically slowed down... but not before I posted about my excitement about the Influence Conference & my 2013 scarfs swap.

October - I could barely find the words to describe my time at the Influence Conference {because it was amazing!}; and we finally announced our new addition coming in April.

November - after announcing my pregnancy, I reflected on how different this one feels in comparison to the one with Charlotte; and we found out we would be welcoming a baby boy {and announced it on Instagram}!

December - we honored Charlotte's first birthday; I reviewed Stitch Fix while being pregnant; and rounded out the year reflecting on one year after Charlotte.


As I reflect on the year behind us, I'm grateful God gave me hope, especially in the darker times.  And next year already holds a lot of hope, which I'm also thankful for, but what I am really hoping for in 2014 is that I find my online voice again. Between remembering our baby girl, preparing for our new little guy and continuing to be involved with the Influence Network, my mind is swirling with inspiration & posts; I just need to to take the time to write about it all, for you, my readers, and myself.

So until then... Happy New Year!

Different

As you've probably noticed, this pregnancy has been different.  Not good or bad necessarily, just different.

When I was pregnancy with Charlotte, I couldn’t wait to share our news with everyone I met; this time, I pray someone else will tell them because it’s hard to get the words out without feeling the need to explain our whole story.

When I was pregnant with Charlotte, I diligently took a bump picture every week in the same spot of our house; this time, I have yet to take a single one anywhere.

When I was pregnant with Charlotte, I counted down the weeks until we would meet our little girl; this time, I can barely think ahead past my next doctor’s appointment.


Another difference I've noticed is in the way people have treated me in comparrison to when I was pregnant with Charlotte.  Sure, it could be said that I don't need as much advice since I've been through it before, but I think part of it is due to what we've been through.  I know it's not easy knowing how to act/what to say when someone has lost a child & the fear of the unknown feels like it's hanging over their heads like a dark cloud.  And personally, I just have to stop, take a deep breath, & hope that cloud doesn't swallow me whole because I really do want to be excited about this little one, just as I was for his/her sister.


As we're nearing the twenty week mark {again}, people have started asking more about this pregnancy, such as what we think we're having, how I'm feeling, etc., and if I'm being honest, the only thought going through my mind is, "I would give anything to have this pregnancy be different from the last...” 

And my hope is that next Friday some of that "unknown" will fade away when we see a glimpse of who's growing inside of me & what lies ahead for us*. 


*Regardless of what happens or what news we receive, this child is loved just as we loved Charlotte & I'm thankful I can care for him/her for as long as God decides to grant us with.

Romans 12:12

"Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer." Romans 12:12

Friday Thoughts

Another beautiful Friday? I'll take it!

This week brought some new projects at work, many walks to soak up as much of this great weather as we can, and (most importantly) Sam's birthday!

We didn't actually do much on his actual birthday (the 7th), but we have been celebrating since last Saturday, so I hope he's feeling some love.

As for the weekend ahead...

My adorable niece is turning TWO on Sunday! I'm having a hard time believing this could actually be true since it feels like just yesterday we got the call to head up to Portland because my SIL was (finally!) in labor.  Regardless, watching this little one grow over the last couple years has been amazing! Sometimes I'm convinced she's the smartest toddler I've ever met! (I may be a little biased...)

This weekend also brings Mother's Day, which happens to fall on what-would-have-been Charlotte's five month "birthday". When I start to think about celebrating my first official Mother's Day without my baby girl, I get pretty sad and, honestly, a little angry she's not here with us anymore. I am really hoping I can make the family gathering that is planned, but I'm also prepared to give myself grace if that can't happen...

Speaking of moms, this week's links come from some of my favorite online mamas:

• I’ve linked to Jessie’s blog before because when she writes, I sometimes wonder “is she writing this just for me?”  (of course I know she’s not J)  This week, she wrote about wanting to be on the front lines of this incredible battle we’ve been placed in and the beauty that comes when we join others for one purpose – loving others through Him.  
• One of the things I love about this online community is the way we are invited in to watch others grow & learn in the roles they've been given - like becoming a mom.  This week, as Ashlee celebrated her little guy's first birthday, she shared her thoughts on what she has learned in her first year of motherhood and I can tell you now, I plan on returning to this when I find myself in a similar role.
• Another mama that writes from her heart is Natalie from The Busy Budgeting Mama.  I have only just begun following her blog, but already admire her for both her honesty and beautiful writing.  So when I read her mommy confessions this week, I knew I had to share with you all.  Sure, I'm can't relate right now, but appreciate knowing that everything isn't always roses for everyone else all the time.

 So that’s what I’m thinking about this week.  What's grabbed your attention this week.
 

Friday Thoughts

What's better than the last day of the week? 

A beautiful forecast for the weekend ahead!

The weather app on my phone says it's going to be in the 80's for the next few days and that warms my soul! (pun intended :))

I'm also looking forward to a couple relaxing days as the last few have been packed with meetings, meetings, and more meetings at work.

My little space here has obviously reflected my busy week (sorry for the silence!), but between meetings, I've read some great posts that I couldn't wait to share this week:

• Last month, I shared a little about life without Charlotte & more specifically my milk supply.  This week, my friend Rachel shared about an organization called Eats on Feet that connects women who have "extra" breast milk with women who are in need of the nourishment for their child.  Even though I didn't use this organization myself, it's exactly what I would have wanted instead of throwing it away.
• Our hope is to expand our family sometime in the next year and while excited & looking forward to that time, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't terrified too.  Thankfully, my friend Lindsey wrote a beautiful post about being silent after she found out she was pregnant with her second child & I really resonated with what she had to say.  Our first pregnancy wasn't an easy one and with that comes a lot of unknowns for the pregnancies to come.  I think we'll probably keep our next pregnancy a little closer to ourselves for as long as we can before sharing it with the world.
• And speaking of future pregnancies --- Pamela from Our Love Nest posted a list of things she wanted to remember for the "second time around" on this crazy pregnancy train.  As I mentioned, I am excited to be pregnant again and look forward to referring to this list when the time comes around.

So that’s what I’m thinking about this week.  What's grabbed your attention this week.

Friday Thoughts

After pouring all my emotions & thoughts into this week's post, I'm just here with some note-worthy links from the last week.

• One of the blogs that has been both a resource & a comfort for me after Charlotte's passing has been In This Wonderful Life.  Megan is a mom of three - boy/girl twins and an angel in heaven.  This week she shared a powerful video about the importance of newborn screening, which is even more prominent because of what she went through with her first child.  I'd recommend everyone to watch this & share with anyone who might have a baby in the future.
• Another post that touched close to home this week was Diana's post about the grieving and how difficult that can be.  She said it perfectly when she said, "I am tired of the process of grieving, the energy it takes. Yet I look back and realize just how far I’ve come in nearly a year. I made it. I survived." and that's just the kind of hope I need when I feel like the grief has taken over my life for good.
• My friend Lindsey (who I can't wait to meet in person this September!) wrote a great post on fear this week that felt like the words were taken right from my heart.  Looking back over the last few years, I can see where fear has taken over my life in some situations and now I realize that that's not a life I want to live.  It's comforting to know that I am not alone in these struggles too.

So that’s what I’m thinking about this week.  What's grabbed your attention this week.

Questions

From the day I announced I was pregnant, it felt like everyone had questions: 

How are you feeling?
Is this your first?
Do you know what you’re having? 

All of which usually resulted in an “aw”, a smile, and/or some sort of unsolicited advice.

However when we found out about Charlotte’s diagnosis, my whole world flipped upside down and I was no longer sure what our future held so I chose to keep everything fairly private.  Besides close friends & family, most of the people I met/saw on a daily basis probably thought my pregnancy was pretty normal and uneventful, while inside our minds raced because we didn't even know what the days after Charlotte's birth would look like, if we got any at all...  

After Charlotte passed, accepting what had happened was still really hard.  I avoided unwanted conversations where questions could arise by either hidding out at home or ignoring my phone, but the more time that passed, the more I knew that I'd have to face the outside world again, but how? 

How would their questions make me feel?
How would I answer their questions?
How would they feel after I answered their questions? 

The more I thought about it (and sometimes I thought about it enough that I’d made myself sick with worry), the more I realized I had two options: 1. I could either be brief with a one-word answer & hope that that was enough for them or 2. I could be vulnerable & open myself up for the world to see.

And to be honest, neither option is very comfortable.

While I have spent time working on my answers (both for me and the unsuspecting person asking the question), I continue to come away without the right words to say.

Yet regardless of what I say, I am slowly realizing the importance of sharing our past with others.  It isn’t always pretty, but in the end all of those events have led me to where I am today.  My childhood. My parent’s divorce.  My college experiences.  My marriage.  And now my daughter’s short life.

As for the future, we’re taking it one day at a time.  We both long to be parents more than we ever thought we would and hope to grow our family sometime soon.  It’s hard not to live in the past or the future all the time, so I keep trying to remind myself to live in the moment as much as I can. 

Thank you to those who have followed this little three-part series this month.  Not only has it been therapeutic for me to share my thoughts, but I pray for those who find this blog after eexperiencing a loss might find comfort or understanding through my sharing.

A Mother without a Child

A few months back, I wrote about some of the good reminders that I had noticed while coping with the loss of Charlotte, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that recording the not-so-good ones were important too.   


Before we left for the hospital, our home was ready with everything we might need in the case that Charlotte would be miraculously heeled and come home with us.  We left hoping for the best, but we’re still trying to prepare ourselves for the worst just in case.  And as you know, the worst happened.

If you've spent anytime talking to me over the last several months, you might notice that I don't refer to myself as a mother mainly because I don't have anything to show that I am one.  Some of these reminders below are the reason I don't feel like a mother and while it feels pretty difficult to convince me otherwise, I'm slowly understanding that that's not necessarily true.
 

1. The nursery. 

Despite Charlotte’s diagnosis, Sam & I decided to try to stay positive and hope for the best through the rest of the pregnancy.  As the months passed, our house began to fill up with all the necessities one might need/want to take care of a baby, so when we returned from the hospital empty handed, reminders of what our new lives should have looked like where everywhere we looked.

Within the first week or so, Sam and I began to pack up everything that we had received for Charlotte. Many people offered to help take care of this for us, but the desire to be in the room we prepared for our daughter was so strong that I knew I had to do it myself or it might be harder on us (me, especially) later on.

Since then, I've actually surprised myself by wandering into the room and just thinking & praying by myself. 

2. Milk supply.

One of the hardest reminders of Charlotte was my milk supply.  While still in the hospital, I began pumping and finally understanding what all the hype was about after actually supplying milk to my child in the NICU.  But the empty feeling I felt inside after losing Charlotte was even more difficult due to my milk supply continuing to come in as if I had a week old baby to care for.

Because I didn't get a lot of guidance from the hospital in regards to weaning off of pumping, I continued to, tearfully, fill up my freezer and pray that my supply would just dry up.  Thankfully, I had family & friends who supported me in every way they could. 

It wasn't until my best friend told me about someone she knew who was in search of breast milk for her son that I finally got some answers.  Within a week's time, I was connected to this mother and had given her a couple hundred ounces that I had pumped thus far.  And almost a month after I had started pumping, I had weaned down & ended my supply without any physical pain on my part and providing breast milk to someone who could use it.

3. Empty Arms.

 

To be honest, this one is still something I struggle with every day.  I touched on this a little a couple months back, but I'm a firm believer in the "empty arm syndrome" and sometimes still wake up worrying that I've forgotten my baby somewhere.

When we first came home, the feeling was so strong.  I carried a teddy bear that my MIL had given us in hopes that that would help, and while it did, it didn't take away the pain in my heart.  Less than a week after we left the hospital, we had to go back up to the NICU and honestly, there are no words to describe the feeling I had to walk through the NICU doors into the room we spent over a week in and expect to hold my baby girl and know that I couldn't.  That she wouldn't be there.  That was the first time (of many) that it felt like this wasn't just a bad dream.

Now, I still long to hold my baby girl in my arms, but don't feel like it's as constant as before.


I know I’m not alone in this title or sentiment – a mother without a child – and my heart breaks thinking about each & every family who has gone through a similar situation.  My words will never do this feeling justice and I know we were "lucky" enough to have both some time to prepare and even a few days* with our precious baby, but I'm here to say that no amount of time would ever be enough be enough to make this whole experience understandable.

And I'm so sorry to those who have experienced these reminders before...



*Please know how incredible thankful we are for the nine days we got to spend with Charlotte. I'd take 30,000 more, but I will forever hold those nine close to my heart forever.